taking the negative aspects in relationship as catalysts for greater change and transformation for the betterment of both partners
At the beginning of my year-long committed yet “open” relationship, I was excited about embarking on a sacred, intentional and powerful union. We prayed, set intentions at an altar, and watched the year unfold. Somehow as each month went by, those intentions broke down into story, guilt, wounds, tears, and fears. This is not the kind of empowering, co-creative relationship I set out to have. So how did it get this way and how can “breaking up” turn into a “breakthrough?”
My partner and I are currently going through a relation-shift, and exiting out of relation-shit. We have moved through many unhealthy patterns, expectations, and the let down of expectations. We have activated our core wounds and pissed each other off. We have truly been mirrors for each other, and have been willing to look at ourselves in this reflection of each other. Yet somehow while still being tied to my partner, the picture was fogged with an unwillingness. I couldn’t clearly see my part and change it. I couldn’t feel him making any real shifts in healing his wound. We couldn’t truly look at ourselves as individuals. We were truly stuck in relationSHIT. In fact, we can still point the finger at each other, saying “I’m experiencing this pain because you didn’t do _____.” Or, “I’m experiencing this pain because you did do ____.”
WELL, I encourage all of you who are in relationSHIT to get into a relationSHIFT and start owning your emotions and fears as your own. Going down the path of pain and blame in a relationship is really not that fun! It’s one thing to have a partner bring up a pattern, but if it’s just constantly being repeated, then this mirror is not serving. If you can have conscious, clear, open and calm communication and not become over-processed as I did, then this is a healthy mirror. But if you come to a resolution in one moment only to have the same core wound activated a day later with the same old record playing the same song, it may be time to take a break–or really change the confines/agreements/contracts of the relationship. Once we get over the original FEAR of letting love FLOW we realize that it is SO MUCH MORE joyful to let go! There’s no more blame game! No more contracts! You’re free to truly be present with your beloved as opposed to listening to a record that was made 6 months ago!
I have witnessed this myself with my beloved. We went through a tumultuous and painful “break-up” which has really being turned into a loving, conscious, moment-to moment break-through. I have felt his heart become more open towards me in the moment, which in turn opens my heart more, which is what he’s been asking for since the beginning of our relationship. We have let go of our expectations of one another being a certain way, and are just enjoying each other again. He can no longer blame me as being a source of his core wound, he has to look deep within himself to heal. I have no one to push against because I am not being smothered by neediness. Truly a WIN-WIN!
Now we are not committed. This can be scary territory to explore especially for those of us with jealousy running the show. Relationships are here to stir the pot of emotions that are stored deep within the core of our being. You cannot get jealous without having jealousy stored inside your own vessel, your own psyche. You cannot feel betrayal without its seeds somewhere inside your cellular memory. I have experienced all of these emotions and I have to look at the hologram of life unfolding in front of me. I cannot blame others for being out of integrity, as much as I demand it with those I”m in relationship with. I’m not saying that honesty isn’t absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship, but once trust is broken, one has to look inside for deep forgiveness within themselves first. I am truly looking to release into more and more
forgiveness for myself each time a layer of relationship rises in my consciousness. “I could have been a more present and loving partner.” “I could have listened better.” “I could have put my partner’s needs first.” These reproaches can go on, but I have to forgive myself for my “failures” and move on to the gorgeous unfolding moment of my life!
Truly being engaged with the moment is SO important when healing from a relationship. I can either be in my head about what “happened to me” or I can take a few deep belly breaths, look around me, and witness the moment. I am not being assaulted right now, or attacked, or being made wrong. Why should my mind try to fix “reality” in my head when the only thing that will move the emotions through to consciousness is truly feeling each thing as it arises in the present MOMENT.
falling in love with yourself
My girlfriends have been a huge support for my heart and facilitating clarity and peace of mind. My favorite quote from one friend is “I am my own dream come true!” And truly falling in love and nurturing the self comes before any connection or partner. We must remember to have a healthy relationship with ourselves first, and then move on to showing up for others in the world. I cannot fully show up for my partner if I’m not willing to look at myself in the mirror and love what is there unconditionally. Truly feeling my sisterhood has allowed me to release and surrender into the perfection of the unfolding river of now.
May we all find freedom within the moment. May we all be powerfully present to own our emotions and FEEL them fully so that they may transform into the light of consciousness. May we see through the illusion of separation and lack, freeing ourselves of jealousy. May we celebrate love in all forms! May we be in integrity with ourselves and our word, as we live in a transparent universe! And may we truly feel the river of universal love that is ALWAYS flowing through us. YES YES YES I say to this amazing transformation into more love! May we channel our pain towards a path of healing and growth into our mission here on this planet. May we all truly act in support of one another and lift each other up. Let the sun shine in!